


The Birds & The Bees

by Pigzxo



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: AU where they're even stupider, Archive Warning: people being idiots, Crack, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy Scares, Rated T for stupidity, The Author Regrets Nothing, not mpreg, the medical science isn't exactly right but who cares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigzxo/pseuds/Pigzxo
Summary: Lukas has a pregnancy scare.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [piratesPencil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/piratesPencil/gifts).



Philip picked up his phone to see three missed calls from Lukas and several texts, none of which made much sense to him. He would have texted back but Lukas’ last text said that he was coming over, so he might as well wait.

            Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the front door. Philip opened the door and said, “You know, we have a doorbell.”

            “I didn’t want anyone to know I was here.”

            Philip rolled his eyes but said nothing. By now he was used to Lukas’ paranoia. He gestured for Lukas to follow him upstairs and closed the door to his bedroom behind him. He turned back to Lukas, his arms crossed. “What’s up?”

            “We need to talk.”

            Philip felt his heart rate speed up and he bit his bottom lip. He forced himself to accept Lukas’ decision. Not that he hadn’t been expecting a break-up – really, it seemed like Lukas broke up with him every week just to get back together five minutes later. So Philip swallowed his nerves and said, “Okay. What?”

            “I’m pregnant.”

            Philip blinked. “You mean... Rose is pregnant?”

            “No. Me. I’m pregnant.”

            “That’s not...” Philip sat down on the end of the bed and looked up at Lukas, questioning. “If this is supposed to be a joke, Lukas, it’s not funny.”

            “It’s not a fucking joke.”

            “You can’t be pregnant.”

            “Do I look like a fucking idiot?” Lukas ran a hand through his hair and started to pace. “I know I can’t be pregnant. But I’ve got all the symptoms. I’m nauseous in the morning, I’ve got aches and pains from nothing at all, my moods been up and down like crazy, and I can’t stop frickin’ peeing all the time.”

            Philip stared at him. “You can’t be pregnant.”

            “Look, I know. But we had sex without a condom and I’m kinda freaking out.”

            “That’s... that’s not how it works.” Philip stood and walked over to Lukas, stopping him in his tracks. He looked into Lukas’ eyes and said, “Is this some kind of PTSD thing again? Are you just freaking out to have something to freak out about?”

            Lukas batted him away. “I think I’m fucking pregnant.”

            Philip sighed. “Do you wanna take a test or something?”

             “Yeah, sure.” Lukas bit his bottom lip. “But we can’t buy it together and I can’t buy it—”

            “Wait. Why can’t we buy it together?”

            “I don’t want people to know we’re fucking.”

            Philip couldn’t find the words to tell Lukas how stupid he was. “We’re not... no one’s going to think we’re gay if we’re buying a pregnancy test.”

            “How do you know?”

            “Because that’s not how it fucking works!”

             Lukas sighed and placed his hands on Philip’s cheeks. “Please, Philip.” He pecked him on the lips. “Please. I know I sound crazy, I do. But will you please humour me and buy me a pregnancy test?”

            Philip’s heart skipped a beat. He could see the desperation in Lukas’ eyes, feel the slight shake in his hands. He sighed, relented. “Fine. I’ll buy a pregnancy test if it’ll make you feel better.”

            “Thank you.” Lukas kissed him again.

 

Philip felt stupid buying a pregnancy test. He felt stupid walking into a drug store alone to pick up a pregnancy test. He thought being gay would have one shining advantage – never having to buy a pregnancy test because of a stupid pregnancy scare and therefore not having to be judged by some clerk who had never even graduated high school. But there he was, buying a pregnancy test for his boyfriend from some judge-y clerk who thought he’d knocked up a girl.

            He didn’t bother defending himself – no ‘it’s not for me,’ no ‘my friend...’ – he’d stopped doing shit like that once he realized that people never believed you anyways. So he bought the test and went back home to Lukas.

            “You know,” Philip said, shrugging off his jacket, “hiding in my room while I’m not home isn’t exactly a good way to make yourself seem straight.”

            “Shut up.” Lukas snatched the drug store bag from Philip’s hands and headed for the bathroom. He slammed the door.

            Philip sighed and sat down outside. He could hear the sound of the package being opened, paper uncrumpled, and a long silence in which Lukas probably read the entirety of the instructions even though there wasn’t much to do other than pee and wait. A bit more rummaging. The water started to run. Philip chewed on his bottom lip.

            “Fuck,” Lukas said.

            “What?”

            “Hard to aim.”

            Philip sighed and put his head between his knees.

            The door opened and Lukas stepped out. “Now we wait.”

            Philip looked up at him as he zipped up his jeans. He wanted to say something, anything, but he wasn’t quite sure what the appropriate sympathetic words were when your semi-boyfriend just took a pregnancy test because he thought there was a chance he was actually pregnant. Yeah. Again, something Philip had thought he’d never have to deal with, being gay.

            “What?” Lukas said.

            Philip shook his head. He reached up and grabbed the hem of Lukas’ shirt to pull him down for a kiss. They shared a few careful kisses before Philip pulled back and hit his head against the wall.

            “Ouch,” Lukas said.

            “Do you regret it?” Philip said.

            “What?”

            “Having sex. Are you freaking out because you don’t want—”

            Lukas shut him up with a long, rough kiss. “No,” he said. “I’m freaking out because I keep Googling my symptoms and Web MD keeps telling me I’m pregnant. All right?”

            Philip shook his head. “Did no one ever teach you basic biology?”

            Lukas sighed. “Humour me.”

            Philip tilted his head up asking for a kiss and Lukas brought their lips together, his hand on Philip’s chin. Then he pulled back quick and said, “That’s gotta be enough time, right?”

            Philip shrugged, but Lukas was already back in the bathroom. There was a long moment of silence, long enough that Philip got up off the floor and followed Lukas into the bathroom. Lukas stood staring at the pregnancy test. Philip looked over his shoulder.

            Positive.

 

“I still maintain that this is ridiculous,” Philip said.

            “I don’t want to go alone,” Lukas said. He kept his voice low so that the cab driver wouldn’t overhear him. “And everyone in Tivoli talks to everyone else and they’ll know if we went to see the doctor together—”

            “I mean the reason we’re going to see the doctor.”

            Lukas gave him a look. “Come up with another explanation then.”

            “I don’t think the explanation is that we’ve literally subverted biological law.”

            “Whatever.”

            Philip sighed, but didn’t try to apologize. There was no talking to Lukas when he freaked out; the best thing to do was go along with it until everything blew up in their faces. That had been his strategy so far and it hadn’t turned out terribly.

            The cab ride into the city lasted twenty minutes longer and Lukas paid the driver. Philip wanted to question why they hadn’t taken the bike, but if Lukas said something about not wanting to hurt the baby Philip might have officially lost it.

            They entered the free clinic and got a number. A couple hours of waiting ensued, the two mostly ignoring each other to look through magazines. When Lukas’ number was called, he stood and grabbed Philip’s hand, tight. So tight Philip had to squeeze back, to let Lukas know that everything was going to be okay, that nothing all that bad was going to happen. He let himself get pulled along into the small examination room.

            The nurse told them to wait there. Lukas hopped up onto the table and sat, swinging his legs. Philip crossed his arms and paced the room.

            “You’re not getting nervous, are you?” Lukas said.

            Philip shrugged. “You’re nervous, I’m nervous.”

            “You’re supposed to be my rock.”

            “Sorry that’s a little hard to do when you’re having a pregnancy scare.”

            Lukas huffed. Philip wanted to apologize, but he didn’t really know what the fight was about. How could they be having a fight about whether or not Lukas was pregnant? Did they live in _that_ world now? Had he slipped and hit his head and now was having a really intense coma dream? He didn’t know.

            The doctor entered the room, looked at Lukas and then Philip, smiled. “Well, hello, boys. What can I do for you today?”

            “I... umm...” Lukas began. He looked at Philip for help.

            Philip opened his mouth and nothing came out.

            Lukas said, “Don’t laugh.”

            The doctor blinked. “Of course not. This is a safe space and I’m a professional. Anything you have to say to me is completely confidential. I can’t tell anyone outside this room. Your parents won’t know.” He looked between the two of them again. “Is there anything else you’re worried about?”

            Philip shrugged.

            “I think I’m pregnant,” Lukas said.

            The doctor stared at him for a moment, then nodded. “All right. I have to ask you some personal questions, is that okay?”

            Lukas nodded.

            “Are you transgender?”

            “What? No.”

            “Intersex?”

            “No.”

            Confusion passed over the doctor’s face, but he managed to keep a neutral expression. “So, you’re telling me that you are biologically male, yes?”

            “Yes.”

            The doctor was silent for a long moment as he stared at the clipboard in his hands. With pursed lips, he looked up at Lukas and said, “There is no feasible way for you to be pregnant, then.”

            “But I’ve got all the symptoms. I’m nauseous and moody and there’s blood in my urine and I’m peeing a shit ton and the pregnancy test came up positive and... and...”

            “And?” the doctor prompted.

            Lukas looked over at Philip desperately.

            Philip shifted against the wall and mumbled, “We had sex.”

            The doctor nodded and then gave them an encouraging smile. “Two men having sex has not yet resulted in a baby in this world, boys. However, your symptoms are similar to that of a UTI.”

            “A UTI?” Lukas said. He looked panicked. “Is that like an STD or something?”

            “It’s a urinary tract infection.” The doctor opened a cupboard and pulled out a small plastic container. Holding it out to Lukas, he said, “Pee in this cup, leave it in the metal box in the bathroom, and we’ll send you your results in a couple of days. Most likely you just need some antibiotics and a lot of fluids.”

            Lukas took the cup, his hand shaking. “So... you don’t think I’m pregnant?”

            “No.” The doctor patted Lukas on the shoulder. “But I do think you boys should both take a biology class or two.”

 

The results came in three days later. Lukas had a UTI. He got antibiotics and started to carry around a large water bottle, but that didn’t stop Philip from teasing him about pregnancy every time he had the chance.


End file.
